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entry 11 - 17/02/2021

There is a lot of new things going on in my live, it's been a very long time. First, I moved out from my parent's house 6 months ago, I now live alone in a very small apartement. I met T in person, we got drunk and we were kinda sexual, but it was very bad. I wasn't attracted to him at all, and I think he was so drunk that he didn't care about my apparence. I met a guy on a dating site 4 months ago, it was not supposed to be romantic at all, but i fell in love with him. I will refere to him as M. In the beginning I was really obsessed with him, I was deeply in love. I never experienced anything like this before, "real" love, someone that i can really kiss and really touch, not just internet crushes and boyfriends. But after a couple of weeks together, i found out he lied to me about a few things (about some girls). He lied to me i don't know how many times, but i don't think he cheated on me. It's "just" lies, I hate lies and it really degrated the image that i had of him and my feelings for him. Oh and also, he smokes a lot. He promosied me he will stop (and that's what he did, or at least i didn't see any sign of smoking for now). But he still smokes pot, which I also hate quite a lot. I know I have addictions too, and bad habits (food, cutting etc) but I still try to reduce it and make it better. I'm really tired of him and I think I don't love him anymore. I think I will prefer to be alone.

entry 10 - 09/05/2020

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I don’t know what to do, I’m tired, I’m such a motherfucking bitch, I’m stupid, a fucking stupid bitch. Pourquoi je suis si conne ? si débile ? C’est quoi mon problème putain ? J’ai envie de mourir… pourquoi je suis là….j’aimerais n’avoir jamais eu la malchance de naître

entry 9 - 06/05/2020

I recently talked to two people on my mailbox, I'm really happy about it. By the way if you read this : thank you so much, both of you are wonderful people. Today and yesterday were emotionless. I don't really know why but I can't feel anything, I feel satisfaction when I masturbate or when I eat, that's it. I can't feel pain, happinness or sadness. I don't really know why, but sometimes it happens. And I guess that's a good thing, I'm just purely practical right now, no emotions to distract me from my ultimate goal (death or disappearing). Today, I want to be alone, I want to think, about my miserable life, about my future (death), etc.
I remember when I was 5 years old, I was in vacation with my family. Everything was so beautiful, there was a big sun, a lot of pools, trees, friendly looking people. We stayed in a mobil home and I was very excited to make new friends and do all kind of activites. I even took with me my bicycle and a helmet since i didn't really know how to ride a bicycle properly. I spent my days playing in the pools, eating, and having a lot of fun. I've met a girl, a blond belgium girl who had 12 years old, I was happy to be her friend because I don't have any sisters and I always wanted one. She was like my big sister. My parents didn't really care about where i was and with who, so they let me go out with her whenever i wanted to. One day I went to her mobile home. I remember her father and her mother, they were so different from my parents. Her mom looked just like her, blonde, blue eyes, fair skin. Her father was bold (or partially bold) and he had a lot of tattoos on his body. I remember that I played a lot with her, i even eat with her and her parents. I was very happy. But one day, she brought me to her room. It was so small, just a bed and that's it. So we were talking, and we were thinking about something to do, we were trying to find a game to play. She asked me if I knew what "sex" was. I answered that I knew what it was, but in reality I had absolutely no idea, I thought it was a game. So she began to remove her clothes and said that I should get naked too. I was very hesitant, but I finally did it. First she told me that she wanted to do like what is in the movies. I didn't knew what she was talking about, so I just followed what she was telling me to do. She basically put my face in her pussy and told me to lick it. I was telling her that I didn't want to do that, I was crying and it was so disgusting and it stank so bad I wanted to throw up. I told her to stop what she was doing. I begged her to stop. She didn't. I never saw her again.
I tried multiple times to tell that to my parents. One day, when I was 13 years old, I told them. They didn't care at all. So I basically never spoke to ayone in details about this, that's the first time of my life, 13 years after.

entry 8 - 27/04/2020

I met someone again. This time he came to me. I joined a lot of server on discord and since i was in a really bad mind set i left every single server i joined. And then at night a guy added me on discord telling me that he saw me on discord and liked my profile picture (an artwork by Ilya Kuvshinov, I love his art so much btw), we will name him T. So we talked like 3 hours, about a lot of things. I made a stupid deal with T, I said that I was very serious but idk if he took it really seriously. The deal was that whenever he will really want to kill himself he'd kill me too. Oh and yeah he found me on an mental health server so he's pretty fucked up too. Also, he is a virgin but he doen't really feel any need to have sex with someone, but he doesn't want to die virgin so if he wants to he'll fuck me before killing me. I'm ok with that cause I will not really care anymore you know ? Does it really matter if someone fucks me or not before I die, no, or at least I don't really care.

entry 7 - 26/04/2020

I stoped talking to that guy, A. I was disgusted by him being sexual to me. I wanted that in the beginning but i stopped wanting that, I guess it was too much for me.
Anyways, I've been wondering about death, afterlife and that kind of stuff. Death for me is litterally just when there is no life anymore. So the heart that stops beating, the body that turns to dust etc... Logically the person that dies just can't feel anything anymore cause of their body (mainly the brain) being too damage for it. People tend to want an afterlife, obviously it's to stop worrying about death, but i don't think they realize that it's so much scarier than not beliving in it. If there is no afterlife, there is nothing at all. And we don't understand what "nothing" feels like, we will never understand it. And so people are scared but they shouldn't be because when you die, you do not exist anymore (your consciousness dies with your brain) so you will never feel anything again, you will not even be able to think. If you believe that there is nothing after your death, you shouldn't be scared. Believing in afterlife is scarier, will it be the exact same life that we are living right now ? Will it be something that i can't even imagine ? There is so many more questions to ask when you believe in afterlife.
I want to end it, I truely want, I'm just too scared for that. Scared of the things i will feel just before dying, scared because I can't be 100 % sure that i will succeed, scared of hurting people around me. That's what always stopped me from doing it.
I slept all day, and I'm going to sleep all night too, I don't really know what to do other than that. I don't want to do anything else, I'm feeling so depressed at the moment. I just want to cry and do nothing. Also, I want to start cutting myself again, I desperetaly need to do that. I don't cut anymore because the idea of it being categorized as something that edgy people who are not really suffering and who just wants attention is engraved in my brain. I know deep down that I never did that for attention, I always covered my scars to make sure people don't notice, I never talked about it with anyone. But yeah people (at my school, or people online) succeeded to make me believe it.
I never wanted to be depressed, suicidal or anything like that, I'm truly trying to get better, it just seems like I will never succeed whatever I do.

entry 6 - 06/03/2020

I just talked to a friend about this website. He doesn't know the URL or anything, just that it exists. I think I will refer to him as A. for now on (the first letter of his very long name). A is just so kind, I've been talking to him for a couple of days now, he's just really cool to talk to. We shared a lot of things, I guess I'm feeling a new true friendship, it's been a long time that I didn't felt loved by someone. I call him "dad" (in another language).

entry 5 - 04/03/2020

My emotions are like a freaking rollercoaster. I don't even know anymore if I have hope or not. I want to think that everything will be alright, that I don't have to pressure myself that much, that I will succeed... but everytime I fail, everytime something goes wrong, I just wish I was dead, or gone somwhere far from here. I'm a sucker for attention. I keep searching love, everywhere, in everyone. Deep down I have a desperate need to be loved. I just want someone to understand me, to be with me, to help me get better. But in reality no one wants to be this someone, all they want is sex, desire, lust. So I try to give them that, to have love in exchange... but it never works, and it will never work. I feel like a cry baby, always complaining about stuff, being sensitive on every single things in my life. I don't have a lot of friends, but I wonder how people (my family, my 3 or 4 friends) do to talk to me, and most of the times act nice around me, I will never be friend with someone like me, it would be so annoying. If I really want to disappear, I need someone to help me. I can't do that alone. If you're reading this and interested in helping me in any way shape or form in exchange of anything except money, please email me at vanishingistheanswer@gmail.com

entry 4 - 04/06/2019

I've read somewhere that disappearing is an alternative to suicide. Now i just don't know if I prefer to kill myself or run away. It may be easier to disappear in a way because i'm kinda scared of death. But I know that if I killed myself everything will be easier. Also, disappearing is a long and restrictive thing. I do not have any tears left to cry. I don't have any friend. The only person that I love deeply don't care about me. It's unbearable to be looked at, laughed at every day, or just ignored. I'm tired.

entry 3 - 29/05/2019

I'm thinking about disappearing right now. I have to prepare it for at least a year. I will be 18 on februry 7th of next year, so it will be ok for me to disappear legally.

Things to do before the day :

  • save as much money as possible
  • sell most of my stuff
  • erasing all my personnal accounts (facebook, instagram, mails...)
  • choosing a new city
  • change my clothes, my hair color buy contact lenses
  • found a job
  • lose weight (at least 20 kg) it will be easier to do things if i'm skinny
  • buy a new (small) pc to write and code
  • change my name

I give myself as much time as i need.

entry 2 - 23/05/2019

I didn't went to school. I was very axious and I wanted to kill myself again. I feel like i'm disconnected to this world. I don't care about anything. My mind is always full of thoughts. I feel like I have no happy memories. I don't talk to my dad since Tuesday, I want him to die quickly, or to go away, or even better I want to disappear.


entry 1 - 21/05/2019

I've cut my finger. I felt the same thing as 2 years ago when i used to cut my arms everyday. After that, i left home and took the subway at 7 pm cuz of my dad. He was drivin me mad. I thought about killing myself like always. I wanted to jump. But i did'nt. Sad.